Struggling with Sexual Sin
A reader is tormented by the conflict between his sexual thoughts and his Christian faith.
Note to readers: I have recently learned that Substack provides a platform to neo-Nazis, and presumably profits from them. Some Substack authors have asked the company to change its policy. While content moderation is a complex and nuanced question, I share their concern. I am looking into the issue, and when I learn more, I will address it with the company and also here—or, if need be, on another platform. Thanks so much to reader Sarah who brought this important question to my attention. I welcome any further information and opinions from you.
Dear Isabel,
I’m a committed Christian, and I’m really struggling with sexual sin. (I’m male and in my early 20s.) Unlawful thoughts enter my mind all the time. I can tell how pornography has changed my thinking, but I just find it so difficult to escape from these thoughts. I know the reasons why sexual desire is a sin, but how do I get rid of this disgusting addiction?
Struggling
Dear Struggling,
What a difficult situation you are in: torn between your religious beliefs and your human nature. Yes, I said human nature. Along with many, many religious people—including Christians from Paul to the present day—I don’t accept the premise that sexual desire was implanted in us by Satan. Sexual desire and its fulfillment are beautiful, God-given aspects of our natures. Can you entertain that idea with me for a minute?
Clearly, the Christianity you have been taught places a lot of emphasis on the idea that sexual desire is usually sinful, so I want you to know that that is one thread in a whole tapestry of two thousand years of Christian thought, most of which has a much more positive view of sex. Jesus had very little to say about sex—he was far, far more concerned with wealth and poverty, and how we treat other people who are vulnerable or commonly despised. Even Paul, who is so often quoted on the subject, said very little about it, and a few verses about his own preference in 1 Corinthians 7 have been misinterpreted by later commentators to instruct us that Christians must suppress desire. Now, it is undeniable that some early Christian fathers, such as Saint Augustine, were deeply uncomfortable with sex. And in the US American context, so influenced by the Puritans, Christian preachers have often equated sex with evil impulses. But it is simply not the case that “Christianity” as a whole deems sexual thoughts “unlawful.”
Furthermore, even if you decide that sexual desire is sinful, I suggest that you place it in context with other bodily desires. Do you feel shame every time you crave something delicious to eat? No (I hope!): because we don’t eat only as a grudging necessity, to keep this biological organism alive, but also for the pleasure of our senses and the creation of community around the table. What a blessing that food is not just necessary, but also delicious!
Now, a gift can be abused. Acting on our desires can be good, evil, or neutral. Obviously, using sex to hurt other people (as in rape or power games) is evil. Sex is good when it is used to express our caring feelings, give each other and ourselves pleasure, play, and have fun—with the non-negotiable baseline of mutual consent and mutual respect. And as with any gift, moderation is important. If we give sex too big a place in our lives, it can take up too much space and crowd out our other commitments. I think that sex has been viewed with suspicion by many religious thinkers because it is so powerful, especially when we are in the first years after puberty and the hormones are flooding our systems. They wisely understood that we can make foolish, even evil choices when sexual desire is at its strongest. Less wisely, some of them decided that the solution was to portray sexual desire itself as a sin, instead of finding a balance in which sex had an appropriate place.
I urge you to find a balance. Otherwise, picture this scenario: one day being married and still being tormented by shame every time you have desire for your spouse, or especially, act on it. That is what happens when we treat sex as an evil to be barely tolerated, instead of one of the great blessings of human life. Can you see your desires, not as the enemy of goodness and faith, but as a small, worthy part of a God-centered life? That would be consistent with Christian teaching.
And do continue to consider your moral values and act on your sexual desires in ways that honor those values. What does your God ask of you? To love God and your neighbor (Matt. 22:34-40); to treat all people with the honor you wish to treat God (Matt. 25:34-45). That has profound implications for sexual ethics. For example, pornography runs the gamut from the worst kind of abuse, to ethical porn in which all participants are consenting adults who receive fair pay and are treated with respect.
I hope this has made some space for you to breathe as a Christian who is also a sexual being, as your God created you to be.
Wishing you well,
Isabel
Next week: Does the proliferation of myths of a god who was born of a virgin mean that Jesus is just a myth too?
And I’ll be back on an every-Tuesday-morning schedule next week, also. I had a great New Year’s and I hope you did, too!