Dear Isabel,
I’ve recently become engaged to a wonderful man (“Adam”). He grew up in a pretty religious family. My parents are in-name-only Christians, we never went to church except for someone’s funeral or wedding, and I don’t believe in God and I don’t think they do either. Adam and I have talked about religion quite a lot, because we plan to have children, and we want to be in agreement on how we’ll bring them up. He isn’t as firmly atheist as me (which is okay with me) but his parents probably think he’s still like he was in high school, very devoted to their religion, and that’s not true anymore.
They are very kind people, kind to me, and enthusiastically embraced me when we told them we are going to get married. And . . . his mother took me aside and said, “I’m so glad Adam has found someone who will help him create a Christian household.” I don’t know where she got this idea about me—wishful thinking maybe, because Adam says she didn’t get it from him! Maybe she just thinks “nice girl” equals “Christian woman.” I didn’t know what to say.
I feel like they are headed for disappointment and that I have to be honest, but I don’t even know how to have the conversation. And I’m really nervous that they’ll change their minds about me when they know I’m not going to be a Christian wife raising their grandchildren to be Christian. What should I say?
Don’t Mean to Mislead
Dear Don’t Mean to Mislead,
Those moments are hard. You weren’t ready for a conversation about religion, and there it was.
Congratulations on your engagement. And congratulations on knowing that you can’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Your in-laws-to-be aren’t like the person sitting next to you on an airplane for a few hours, to whom you can say “mm-hmm, mm-hmm” as they make assumptions about your beliefs. They will be part of your life for many years, the most important people in your husband’s life besides you, important people to your future children. So sooner or later.
First of all, you and Adam should talk between you about how to talk to them about your religious stance. You are lucky to be united, so present yourselves as united. Ideally, it comes from Adam, not you. Something like, “Mom, Dad, we know religion is really important to you. I learned so much about being a good man from you. I know you’d also like it if I were still a devoted Christian, but that just isn’t important to me anymore. We want to raise our children to be good people” (this is assuming you’re okay telling them you plan to have kids) “and I hope you know we will always respect your faith.”
Second, be aware that they’ll have some feelings to process. It sounds like he has never told them about his own changes, and while that might have been okay in the past, it’s not going to work for much longer. They might also be sad and disappointed that he isn’t the devotee he was as a teenager.
And finally, I don’t think you have to tell them about your beliefs unless they ask. If they do say, “What about you, daughter-in-law—is this okay with you?,” keep it simple. “Adam and I are on the same page about this.”
That may be the end of it, or there may be tears and future attempts to change your mind. Or you may have deep conversations about your atheism and their Christianity over the years. Whatever direction things go, you will have begun by setting good boundaries and communicating respectfully. That’s an excellent way to start a lifelong relationship with your future in-laws.
Wishing you well,
Isabel
Next week: My child’s friend claims to be a Satanist. What does that even mean? Should I be worried or is this teens being teens?
Not an easy conversation to have. I wonder if they plan a church wedding and if so which church.