Losing My Religion

What I used to believe doesn't make sense to me now, and it hurts

Dear Isabel,

I grew up going to church, and I always believed in God. Now I feel like I am losing my faith.

I want to believe in God, but the more I think about it, the more it seems unrealistic that this all-powerful, invisible being could exist. Can one being really hear the prayers of millions of people and plan their lives? Why do so many innocent people suffer? Is it really possible for us to live eternally in another world after we die in this one?

My doubts are causing me heartbreak, but I also don’t want to just pretend I don’t have these questions.

Hurting

Dear Hurting,

Would it help to consider that you are going from one developmental stage to another? There are stages of faith development, just as psychologists can identify stages of psychological development. Moving from one stage to another can bring growing pains, because beliefs that used to make sense to you gave you good feelings, such as security or certainty, and losing those beliefs feels like losing those feelings forever. But here’s the thing: the next stage of faith also has its joys and consolations.

There are millions of people who have asked the same questions you are asking now and come through to the other side with a strong faith. For example, they might not believe anymore that God listens to everyone’s prayers, but instead, they believe that God created a world where people can listen to each other’s needs and meet them. I’m not saying that you will or should reach that answer—it’s just an example—but the point is, they don’t feel heartbroken. Their new view of God makes sense to them and shows them a world that is still meaningful. Sometimes we need to lose our religion in order to find our religion.

When you were younger, the version of God you describe worked fine for you. You say it doesn’t “the more I think about it”—right, because you couldn’t think with this kind of sophistication when you were younger. That shows growth and maturity. It’s like you have taken a big step up and you don’t quite have your footing on the next solid place yet.

What would be ideal would be to find a study group, friends, or member of the clergy who will take your concerns seriously and not give you shallow answers that don’t work for you anymore. That might take a fair amount of perseverance from you. If you feel like one person is telling you to just stop questioning, or another person’s answers don’t help, please don’t give up—keep looking. Spiritual growth is a process, and it can feel slow, but your spiritual well-being is worth your care, just like your physical well-being.

Books (and advice columns) don’t provide as much give and take as conversation, but there are lots of books by seekers through the ages whose answers might help. A couple that address some of the questions you raise are When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Harold Kushner and A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis. I don’t know if their answers will satisfy you, but I can promise you that if you stay in conversation with thoughtful people—whether through actually talking to them, or reading what they wrote—you will eventually move through this painful time, and on to a more mature faith that will sustain you just as your earlier faith used to do.

Wishing you well,

Isabel

Next week: Is it okay to shop around for a religious community?