Introducing Ask Isabel
An advice column for those big questions
Dear friends,
I have been working on something exciting for the past few months, and it kicks off today, with this email! I hope you will be excited about it too. Here’s how I got there.
1. I am a big fan of advice columns and the things readers, as well as inquirers, learn from them.
2. I love being part of conversations about religion, spirituality, and all related matters.
3. People have as many questions about these issues as they have about etiquette, relationships, ethics, or any of the other topics advice columnists address.
4. There is a lot of really bad religion out there, which haunts people long after they have left the communities that promoted it.
5. Or even if they never belonged to one. A glance around Quora, Reddit, and social media makes it clear that a lot of people have big problems connected to spirituality and religion: conflicts with friends and family who are on different spiritual paths, fears stoked by religious nationalism, danger due to religion-fueled intolerance, questions about how to raise children in a society (and often, family) that has widely divergent beliefs, and so on.
6. The voices of liberal religions are heard all too little in this cacophony, leading many seekers to think that religious traditions and communities have little to offer them, and leaving them alienated from the resources that could help them with their most important questions.
7. Very few people who aren’t already a part of a religious community know how to find a good one. Just as relationship advice columnists often advise, “Don’t stop here—talk to a therapist,” a religion advice columnist can help guide people to those religious communities and other spiritual resources for going deeper, if they’re interested.
8. We are in a spiritual crisis: racial injustice, desperate economic inequality, the scapegoating of LGBTQIA folks, and a planet under threat. By cleaning up the messes left by toxic theology and planting loving religion in their place, we can make wisdom, justice and kindness bloom a bit more in the wider culture, just as I and many of you do in our faith communities.
9. I really like to write.
I added all that up and decided to launch an advice column:
Ask Isabel: Advice for the Spiritually Perplexed or Vexed
It is free to subscribe, and I hope you will. Click here and you’ll receive a column every Tuesday.
I hope you enjoy the questions and answers, and pass this e-mail along to anyone who might take an interest.
And now, read on for the very first column of Ask Isabel: Advice for the Spiritually Perplexed or Vexed.
Take care,
Amy
P.S. Why not call it “Ask Amy,” you may wonder? Because there’s already an advice column called that. Isabel is my second name.
P.P.S. Some of you have already subscribed thanks to the notices I posted yesterday. Thank you! Don’t worry, this will be the only time you receive two emails for one column.
Ask Isabel: Advice for the Spiritually Perplexed or Vexed
Dear Isabel,
I am pretty sure I don’t believe in God. Can I still pray? Should I?
Doubter
Dear Doubter,
You can absolutely pray even if you don’t believe in any god at all. I’ll say a little more about that and then get to your second question.
First of all, not all prayer is asking for something. People pray to offer praise, like “Wow, what beautiful fall colors there are on the trees in my neighborhood!” Closely related to that is gratitude. “I’m so thankful that I woke up this morning to another day of life.” We don’t have to know the source of the things we love and are grateful for in order to express how we feel. They are like gifts that just arrive one day, in a box without a name or a card. We don’t know who gave them, but we’re just so glad to have them that we say it right out loud. “Wow, universe! Great foliage!”
There’s also contemplative prayer, which is a lot like meditation. It usually involves centering yourself and then focusing on some intention that you have: “May I have patience going into this difficult meeting.” “May I be kind to everyone I meet today.” Some contemplative prayer is meant to help you grow quiet and more aware of the mysteries and beauties of existence.
But of course, if you don’t believe in a god, the trickiest kind of prayer is the kind that asks for something. (If you want the theological terms, these prayers are called prayers of petition if for yourself—“Please make this lump not be cancer”—or prayers of intercession if for someone else—“Please help my child get through the semester without another mental health crisis,” “Please give the people of Ukraine relief from this war.”) It’s reasonable to wonder if that kind of prayer makes any sense if you’re not addressing anyone.
Here's why some people who don’t believe in God still offer that kind of prayer, especially prayers of intercession. I like the way the young adult novelist Madeleine L’Engle put it in her book A Ring of Endless Light, when a young teen is angrily pointing out that people she’s prayed for have kept on suffering anyway.
“Prayer was never meant to be magic,” Mother said.
“Then why bother with it?” Suzy scowled.
“Because it's an act of love,” Mother said.
How would it feel if you just spoke the names of people you are concerned about, including yourself, as an act of love? As a way of saying, “I fervently want the best for this person.” I am someone who doesn’t believe that there’s a god listening and acting on these prayers—but I still pray them. As an act of love.
So, there’s the “should I?” It all depends on whether you think that spending some time reflecting on the people who need your care, and saying silently or out loud what you wish for them, is worthwhile. I think that while it is no substitute for action, it can be an excellent companion to it. You can also try it out. If you find that it makes you more caring, more compassionate, more oriented toward what others need, then great.
As for prayers for yourself, if you don’t believe in God, you probably don’t think that saying “Please let this lump I felt not be cancer” will work any magic either. But you deserve love too. So should you express care for yourself this way? Again, you can give it a try. Whether you call it prayer or not is not what matters.
Wishing you well,
Isabel