Dear Isabel,
I think a friend of mine would really get a lot out of attending my church. I know she thinks I’m “too religious” and we usually avoid the topic of religion, but she has been really down lately because of relationship problems and depression. My church is so friendly, with really upbeat music, and I think she would feel a lot better if she gave it a try. It would be a fun thing to do together, too. I want to invite her to come with me, but I don’t want to come across as some kind of religious nutcase. What’s a good way to suggest it?
Something to Offer
Dear Offer,
I have two questions for you. Are you inviting her for your sake, or for hers? And if you’re doing it for her, are you answering a question she has actually asked?
Inviting someone to something because you think it would be more fun for you if they were there is fine, whether the event is a church service or a womens’ night out. But please include that in your invitation. “I would have more fun if you came along.” In your letter, you mention that almost as a throwaway, but if it’s part of your reason for asking her, why is it a throwaway? It’s nice to be told that one’s company is enjoyable, so tell her.
It means, though, that she might respond to that aspect. If she said, “I’d love to spend time with you too—how about we go out for lunch on Monday instead?” would you be just as happy, or does it have to be church, specifically? If what you really want is her company, then you’ll be satisfied with some other activity that you both enjoy.
As for my second question, it’s okay to invite someone somewhere for their sake. But please don’t offer a solution to a problem unless she’s asked for one. Has she asked for ideas about what would help with her relationship problems or depression? If not, please just offer comfort and a listening ear. And if she does ask for solutions, you might say any number of things—counseling, medication, a long hike in the mountains, a morning at church—and it is up to her which one to try, if any.
Do I seem to be searching for ulterior motives you might have? That’s because you say there’s been some friction on the topic in the past. Also, many churches pressure their members to invite new people, and many church-goers think they have the only answer and that others need to hear it. Your friend knows this too, and she also might wonder if you have other motives. If you really don’t, then here’s my advice: acknowledge up front that she’d be justified in being suspicious, but repeat that your motives are exactly what you’ve said: you enjoy her company, you get a lot out of going to church, you think she might too. If you do have any other reason for inviting her, then don’t invite her. Friends are honest with each other.
Wishing you well,
Isabel
Next week: Merry Christmas to those who celebrate! I’ll be taking the week off for family time. See you on New Year’s Day.