Finding it hard to be thankful
After a sad year, gratitude is the last thing on the writer's mind
Dear Isabel,
I’ve had a year filled with loss. My husband died after a long illness, my mom died unexpectedly, and a good friend died also. Then I was going to go to a Thanksgiving dinner where the guests usually all say what they’re thankful for, and I had to decline the invitation. I just couldn’t see myself answering that question without bursting into tears.
This isn’t just about Thanksgiving. It seems like every time I turn around there’s something about gratitude journaling or the health benefits of gratitude, and I want to scream. Most mornings I’m not even grateful I woke up. (Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal. I’m going to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but I’m not happy while I’m doing it.)
I used to think of myself as a very thankful person. I even kept a gratitude journal for a year or two some years back. But now everything that used to bring a smile to my face has a memory of my husband, mom, or friend connected to it. It seems impossible to feel much at all except sadness and emptiness.
Not Feeling It
Dear Not Feeling It,
I am so sorry about all your losses. What a terrible time you have had of it this year.
Grief is hard, hard, hard. Denying those feelings in yourself won’t help—so it’s really good that you’re acknowledging them. And please do notice if they become unendurable or you have thoughts of harming yourself in any way, and call 988 or 1-800-273-8255, okay?
Normally, I’d be right on board with the encouragement toward gratitude journaling and the reminders of how gratitude is good for our health. But I completely understand why this just makes you feel worse. If there is anything worse than the sadness and emptiness of grief, it’s being told that you shouldn’t be feeling them. Can it be that that is the message you’re taking away from all the talk about gratitude?
It also sounds as if you would like to get back a little of that thankful self, but it’s just so far away.
What if you didn’t look for things to be grateful for, but just tried to notice anything at all that happens outside your grief? If you happen to notice a cloud overhead, rather than saying “What a pretty cloud,” just say, “Ah. A cloud.” Grief can be like being in a hermetically sealed, vacuum-packed container. Awareness of anything outside it at all is meaningful.
Since you’ve done the daily-list thing in the past, maybe that format would be good now too. Again, not “five things I’m grateful for.” Just “five things I noticed today.” Some, or all, of those five things might well remind you of the beloveds you have lost—the vacuum inside the container has a pull on everything outside. That’s why gratitude is too much to ask of yourself. Just noticing is enough.
Do you think you could take note of five things a day? Or if that seems overwhelming, start with one. I think that would be a kindness to your bruised, aching heart.
If you actually do feel grateful for one of the things you notice one of these days, then note that. But please don't pressure yourself to feel a certain way, or let anyone else pressure you. And if you do burst into tears, that’s okay too.
Wishing you well,
Isabel
Next week: My ex’s new partner is teaching our daughter religious beliefs that are the opposite of mine
Eventually I hope this person can find a family member or friend who can get her through this dark time. Feeling alone and in a void is quite devastating. Maybe just sharing her list with someone with whom she can connect will be a beginning.