Do I have to go to the circumcision of my friend’s baby?

And if I don’t, should I say why not?

Dear Isabel,

A close friend is expecting a baby boy and she recently said to me, casually, “Of course, we’ll be having a bris (a circumcision) at the house.” I live nearby and I know she’ll expect me to be there.

Isabel, I know it’s supposed to be a celebration, and I would go to any other celebration she held, but—can I say something really judgmental? I’m just really appalled by circumcision. It’s not even as if she and her husband are very religious. They don’t keep kosher or celebrate most Jewish holidays. But this commandment is that important to them? It seems hypocritical. Also, the idea of being in the house when a circumcision is happening just makes me feel sick. (I know I wouldn’t be expected to watch.)

Should I go even though I have ethical objections? If I don’t go, should I tell her why? I’m afraid our friendship couldn’t survive that, and I really do value our friendship and respect almost everything about her (everything until this, actually). I don’t want to ruin the friendship, but I don’t want to give my blessing to something I think is just needless cruelty to a child. I also don’t like lying to my friend.

If it matters, I’m Jewish too. We’ve never talked about what that means to either of us, though.

—Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

I see several issues here, and it might save your friendship if you can keep them separate.

1. You are uncomfortable giving your implicit blessing to something with which you strongly disagree.

2. You treasure the friendship.

3. You want to be honest with your friend.

4. You just don’t want to be present for this ritual.

5. You don’t know what words to use to decline.

6. You think your friend is being hypocritical.

To take the first one first: Analogies are risky, but it reminds me of the situation of someone who’s opposed to same-sex marriage and is invited to the wedding of a friend and their same-sex partner. In that case as well as yours, the conflict is between simply showing one’s love for a friend, or demonstrating one’s own ethical stance. (I don’t think I’m being unfair with that choice of verb. Your disapproval doesn’t have the slightest chance of stopping the ceremony, right? So the question is whether you demonstrate your disapproval or keep it to yourself.) You can honor a friend without endorsing all of their decision. You can decide that what your presence says is not “I approve” but “I love you even when I don’t approve of everything you do.” That addresses point number 2: you treasure this friendship, and your friend.

Which brings us to the second question: is it dishonest to bite your tongue? If your friend had specifically asked your opinion of circumcision, then yes, it would be. But she didn’t. You’re worried not about giving your explicit approval, which she didn’t ask for, but about whether she or anyone else might interpret your presence as implicit approval. And it’s certainly possible that your friend or others might interpret it that way. But they would be wrong, and it’s not your responsibility to correct an unspoken assumption.

Still, your point number 4 is valid. No, you don’t have to watch, but if it upsets you even to be in the room where it’s happening, or the house where it’s happening, you don’t have an obligation to go.

Which leaves the question of what to say when you decline. There is a potential for a deep conversation about beliefs and practices here, and since you and your friend are close and share a Jewish heritage, asking her in a non-judgmental way what circumcision means to her could help you understand her better (and maybe she’d also ask you, and come to understand you too). But what are the chances of having that conversation now, in these circumstances: shortly before the birth and bris of her child? Very slim.

So I would counsel you not to tell her that your absence is a matter of conscientious objection. Just say, “I’m so sorry—I can’t be there.” Give a baby gift—the occasion for that is the birth, not the circumcision. And be grateful that there’s no save-the-date possible for most circumcisions, so it’s plausible that you’d have an unavoidable conflict on that day.;

What is avoidable is the conflict that would come of accusing your friend of hypocrisy without knowing her reasoning or, from the sound of things, much about what her religion (including this ritual) means to her. With that, you’re leaping to conclusions, and that’s not a good way to treat a friend.

Wishing you well,

Isabel