Can a Christian and a Muslim make a life together?
It depends on how each one practices their faith.
Dear Isabel,
I met a young woman I really hit it off with. I was thinking this might develop into a friendship and more, and then, as we got to know each other better, I learned that she is Muslim. I’m Christian. If I talked to a pastor I know he’d tell me not to pursue the relationship, and I kind of feel as if he’s right—not because there’s anything wrong with being Muslim, but because my Christianity is important to me, and I wonder: how would we live together? How would we raise kids together? Am I overthinking this and I should just enjoy the relationship and see where it goes?
Torn
Dear Torn,
This is one of the big questions in a religiously plural society. We meet people of other faiths, and we sometimes fall in love. So no, I don’t think it’s too soon to consider whether it is important to you that you and your spouse have the same religion. There isn’t one right answer. It depends on what matters to you.
Of course, if you and she are fine having a more casual relationship, then these long-term questions don’t matter. But if you’re hopeful of its potential to be permanent, then it’s worth thinking about them. And no matter what happens with this relationship, it’s worth thinking about the role of religion in your own life.
Your Christianity is important to you. Does that mean you want to be free to pursue your own prayer and study? Be active in a church? Go to church with your partner? If it’s a matter of your private convictions and practices, it might be perfectly compatible with a non-Christian partner. You might even enjoy the exchange of different practices and traditions. On the other hand, if you each want the other to be not just supportive, but an enthusiastic participant, in your own faith, then find someone who will be that person.
You imagine yourself having children. Do you want to raise them to be Christian? Or would you be happy with their choosing any faith, or no faith, as long as they are good people?
If it’s important to you to raise your children in the Christian faith, then that’s something you’ll have to tell her (and any partner) before things get too serious. If it’s important to her to raise the children to be Muslim, then you know it’s not going to work. Or maybe raising them in Christianity will be fine with her and there won’t be a conflict.
Some families do find graceful ways to give their children experience of both faiths and allow them to choose their path. For example, they might celebrate holidays from both traditions and bring their children to the religious education program that the children choose. Again, whether something like that works for you depends on whether each parent is okay with potentially being the only member of the family who follows their faith.
Do be prepared to hear from others that you are attempting something impossible. For many practitioners, Christianity and Islam are exclusivist religions—religions that claim they are the only way. But for many other members of these faiths, they don’t have to be. If you and your partner know what matters to you, communicate, are certain that your paths (for yourselves and your potential children) don’t conflict, and choose faith communities that support that, then the Prince of Peace and the Religion of Peace can dwell together peacefully, and happily, in your home.
Wishing you well,
Isabel
Next week: Given religions’ role in oppression, is it ethical for me to volunteer with one?
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