Dear Isabel,
I went to the funeral of a family member of a Jewish co-worker recently. I’m not Jewish. When I arrived at the synagogue, there was a box of kippahs by the door and it seemed like most of the women and all of the men were putting them on, so I did too (I’m male). A friend of mine (also not Jewish) thinks it might be cultural appropriation for non-Jews to wear them. Did I do wrong? (No one there commented on it.)
Want to Be Polite
Dear Polite,
It was very good of you to support your co-worker by attending the funeral, and it was absolutely fine for you to wear a kippah in the synagogue.
Kippot (that’s the Hebrew plural of kippah), also known as yarmulkes (the Yiddish word), are a sign of humility in the presence of God. It used to be that only men and boys wore them, but as feminism transformed many Jewish communities, they became a way for people of any gender to show respect for the occasion.
There are some “it depends”-es, mostly having to do with whether the synagogue is Orthodox, Conservative, Reconstructionist, or Reform. But in all cases, if it’s customary for the Jewish attendees to wear one, it is perfectly fine for a non-Jewish attendee to do the same. It probably would have been okay not to, but as a gesture of respect from you, and a gesture of inclusion toward you, you are very welcome to wear one and your instinct was sound.
Your friend might have heard another conversation that has been underway recently, concerning whether non-Jews should wear kippot when they aren’t at Jewish sacred events. Many Jews, especially Orthodox Jews or religious leaders, wear them all the time, and with anti-Semitism on the rise, some non-Jews have done so as well as a sign of solidarity. This is much more controversial, since wearing a kippah all the time, unlike wearing one in a service, strongly suggests that the wearer is Jewish. But it is true that some Jewish activists have responded to waves of anti-Semitism by suggesting that non-Jews show their support by donning kippot for a while. So when it comes to the wearing of a kippah when not at Jewish religious events, please heed the wishes of your local Jewish community.
There’s a great book that answers lots of these questions: How to Be a Perfect Stranger: The Essential Religious Etiquette Handbook, edited by Stuart Matlins and Arthur J. Magida. But if you don’t have that handy, in the future, if you’re in a house of worship and you’re not sure of any point of etiquette, go ahead and ask. People will appreciate your checking—just as they appreciate your attendance at their family member’s funeral.
Wishing you well,
Isabel
Next week’s question: Is there such a thing as a just war?
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